. 黎明与日落的交界 .

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Tuesday, June 12, 2007; 11:25 PM

Haha....Sometimes i really wonder what the meaning of life!!Cause i feel that other than u few...There's no more gd friends liao...Pathetic soul right....I think all this serve me right ba...Caused i am always critisizing people and friends around me, resulting in these people drifting further and further awasy form me lorh....

I always thought that i am a caring friend..And i hope thati wont be anyones' enemy or be enemy with people...But i suddenly feel a strong sesnse of helplessness....Its seems like there's really a very pathertic souls here...Always bugging people to be friend with me...??!! Not sure about this..But my instinct tells me so....I know that it could be wrong...But i rather believe it...

I've always know that u will always be there for me.No matter what happens to me...U will surely b the one to concern me...And to lead me out of my darkness...I know tha u r trying very hard to get into my world..But i hope that u will give me a few more months...And i will give u a satifactory answer...Its not fair to wait for people..What more people like me....Caused i stilling struggling between u and her..Even though that i know that nothing will come out of it..Nothing will blossom!!But its real hard to forget someone that had really walked into ur heart somehow..Its difficult to remove and forget her totally...Saythat i don't like her?!Don't want to have anythingwith her??!!Wanna to leave her??! ITs all fake de....I know that i've been a nuisance to her..And from this moment in time until i graduate from CCSS...I will slowly trying to remove her from my heart and accept u...That feeling is just like...When u accidently get stab by a knife into ur hearts...It bleeds...And during that moment when u try to pull it out...It really hurts..The pain can be felt physically and emotionally...Bleeding and bleeding continously without stopping...

I hope that u will be the one that helps me to recover from a bad injury...And i also cannot bear to suffer this kind of experience again...That's the reason why i am always trying to avoid u...I am always thinking that i am no good enough for u...I am neither romantic nor handsome....?!So i always have this strong sense of inferioty within me...I also duno why...It seems to me that this kind of feelings cannot be removed or forget easily...As i always try to hide it or throw it behind my head...!!But lately, this stupid thinking came back again....Wondering that why....And thinking why.....??!

I know that friends will always be there for you when u need them...But i feel that i am bugging them...I don't wish to become a burden to my friends...Although they always says that u're not a burden to them...." WHY " this word is consistently appearing in my mind now...ALways thinking how i used to treat my friends...HER...and u...And always whn i think of this...A great sense of guiltyness aroused within me....Thinking and thinking...WHY WHY WHY??

Maybe i am really not that good after all...Which i've naively think that i am...Goodness is what people say to u..Not u think....!!Only came to realise it lately....

Trying to change...I feel that i am trying very hard to get enrolled into peoples' way of life...And those who cannot get into similar lifestyle..Will be left out....

Like today....I am like a wondering ghost roaming around in CWP...Wanna to get a taste of being alone..With no friends...Its not good to be alone sometimes....I've been thinking that what i lacked most in my life....LOVE....?FREEDOOM....?FRIENDS.....?FAMILY.....?? Neither of this.....It is actually ' COURAGE '......Courage to love....Courage to care....Courage to show......?!

Courage to be confident in myself....When i am out there alone or when i am at home in the cold and quiet night...I tends to think through a lot of this...?CONFIDENT is the second thing i always lacked and i am trying to find it...But somehow it is missing in action lorh...Cannot find....

I am not sure...I am always seeking and searching for my confident and courage...But when i meet with u...U're gone again..And i have to find u 2 back again...Its tiring...Its painful...Its taht kind of agony that oen cant imagine....Its difficult to express into letterative language...Not sure...I get what i am trying to say across or not...Hehe...In simple it cnnot be easily expressed into words....!

What i have been thinking lately..I've blog it today...And that the reason why i didn't blog something likethis lorh...Cause i am trying to phrase my thoughts into sentences....Hehe....